The thought of a parent lying in a hospital bed, unable to make decisions for themselves can be so uncomfortable that families neglect to have conversations with their loved one to ensure that decisions made are with their input. 

Here are five tips from aging parents who live at Highgate at Vancouver.for having conversations with an aging parent to ensure you are acting on their wishes when crisis strikes. 

1. Ask Your Parents Questions in Advance

Sometimes crisis strikes, and tough decisions have to be made. It’s normal that in the heat of the moment, you think you are doing what’s best for your parent. But, having conversations ahead of time ensures that if your parent is unable to tell you exactly what they want, you already have an understanding of what their wishes are.

“My sons were very solicitous,” Luella, a resident at Highgate at Vancouver, says. “They asked me about what I wanted as I was aging — and they listened to me.”

2. Put Yourself in Their Shoes

Sometimes when crisis strikes, adult children can act as if there is an unwritten checklist they are working through. Find out when discharge is. Fill mom’s new prescriptions. Talk to the assisted living community and confirm time for admission. While you may be doing everything in your power to ensure that mom smoothly transitions from the hospital to her new home, putting too much emphasis on the tasks at hand, and not enough emphasis on checking in on your parent emotionally can cause friction.

“It’s important that children try and listen and put themselves in that place instead of on the outside,” says Wanda, a resident at Highgate at Vancouver.

3. Let Your Parents Make Decisions

The best way to make care decisions for an aging loved one is to help your parents make them for themselves. It can be scary approaching conversations like this for the first time. No one really wants to ask a parent, “Mom, at what point would you not want to have to manage the house yourself?” or “If you started to get forgetful and I was worried about you living alone, what would other options be?” But, having these conversations in advance of a crisis allow you to talk through possible solutions together.

“I know a lot of people my age or older that because of the fact that they worked so hard to get where they’re at, they just don’t want to give it up,” Wanda says. “But they don’t realize the toll it takes on their health. I think the children should be involved and listen to their parents and then help them make decisions.

“If we could have peace of mind to take some of that burden off our kids, to do it ourselves and make those decisions ourselves …”

4. Have a Family Meeting

Before Wanda’s husband, Dan, passed away, the couple figured out what they wanted and communicated it to their children at an informal family meeting.

“When we got together with our families over the holidays, we kinda told them ahead of time what some of our plans were,” she says. “They were thrilled because then they didn’t have to step in and do it for us. That took a lot of pressure off of them.”

5. Get Everyone on the Same Page

Discussions around aging and long-term care can be emotional, especially if you have siblings. Fortunately, no matter how complex your family dynamics may be, it is possible to establish consensus and get everyone on the same page. Not only is it possible, but it also makes things easier on the parents.

“It was hard for me and Clyde,” Caroline says. “We had been together for 70 years. To all of a sudden have our lives completely change — not that it was going to be the point where we’re not going to be together. Shirley made sure that we would have a place where we could be together. I appreciated that very much from the children. They were all together with that something had to change.”

To learn more about what important conversations you should be having with your parents, download our eBook What Older Parents Really Want from Their Adult Children.