If it feels like you can’t manage it all, that’s perfectly normal. Because you can’t. If you’re going to survive the holidays, you’re going to have to scale back and admit that they will be different from now on.
The good news is, the holidays can still be a source of joy, and they give a wonderful opportunity for parents with dementia to feel reaffirmed in their family identity and feel pride at seeing the family they created all together.
Follow these tips to help make your season merry and bright.
If you’re caring for someone with dementia, it’s going to take extra planning to make your holidays a success.
Start by asking yourself what’s most important. Are there certain traditions that are important to maintain, or is just being together enough?
Then, consider what’s realistic for your loved one with dementia. Can they handle the disruption your favorite holidays traditions will bring? If they’re in the early stages of the dementia, ask them how they’re doing and what they’re up for. Keep the favorite traditions and skip the stressful ones.
Also, be realistic about your own abilities as a caregiver. Don’t take on more than you can manage.
Finally, be aware that, despite the joy of the season, the holidays can spark feelings of depression. People with dementia might feel a sense of loss and sadness around the holidays. They might miss a long-gone loved one. Also, you might be feeling your own sadness as you slowly lose someone you care about to a degenerative disease. Admit to yourself and others how and why you feel the way you do. Don’t hesitate to seek support for yourself or your loved one.
Based on the factors above, decide which events and traditions you want to make part of your holiday celebration. Be open to altering your schedule to accommodate your loved one’s abilities and your own limits as a caretaker.
When crafting an agenda, try to avoid difficult situations such as large, noisy crowds where your loved one will be expected to remember people, abrupt changes in light intensity or excess alcohol consumption.
Also, be mindful of the time. Allow for breaks. Evening is often a time of altered behavior, a phenomenon called sundowning, so try moving celebrations earlier in the day.
Rather than just focusing on what you can’t do, try working in some new traditions that are appropriate for your new normal. Drive to see holiday decorations. Find something that entails simple, repetitive tasks, which are often enjoyable for people with dementia. Try baking cookies, making wreaths or stringing popcorn garlands.
Once you’ve prepared your schedule, communicate it to friends and family and stick to it. Their disappointment is not your responsibility. You and your loved one are.
It’s important to communicate to your friends and family more than just your schedule. Help them understand what is happening.
Before people visit, explain how dementia has affected your loved one. Give examples of the unusual behavior it has caused and explain that it might make for awkward situations. Memory loss sometimes means people don’t remember what is socially acceptable. It might be easier to write the message down in an email.
For close family members you don’t see regularly, prepare them that their visit might be painful. Their parent or sibling might not remember them. Make sure they understand it’s not personal. It’s a disease.
Once you have your activities planned and your guests prepared, start preparing your loved one for the festivities. Show pictures of the guests as much as a week beforehand (Facebook is a great place to find current photos). Make time each day to show the pictures and talk about who the visitors are.
Then, after a few days, have the guest call your loved one. This will help prepare each of them for what to expect.
When visitors come, try to avoid large groups, or shield your loved one from the large group by letting him or her visit with a few people at a time in a separate room.
Minimize disruption to your loved one’s schedule as much as you can, especially with sleep. If you can keep them rested, you’ll go a long way toward preventing behavioral breakdowns.
Finally, when you’re creating your schedule, don’t forget to carve out time for things you want to do on your own. Make time to recharge.
This goes for after the holidays end, too. As much as the stress of them can get to you, you might feel let down when they’re gone, and you return to everyday life as a caretaker. Plan for some respite care so you can spend an evening out with your spouse or a friend.
With the right planning, you can be toasting a wonderful holiday season and welcoming a new year.