You think it’s time for dad to move into an assisted living facility. His health and mobility are declining, and you think a senior living community is better suited to care for her changing needs. You’ve decided it’s best for him, and for the family.

Well, keep using your current strategy and he’ll never agree! It’s possible you are sabotaging your own plan with unconscious fears. Or perhaps you just need a better understanding of his feelings. It’s a major crossroads in life, and will take some getting used to.

But if you want him to say “no,” be sure to employ these 7 tactics:

1. Be Overly Pushy.

Nothing is more of a turnoff to your parent than when their adult child decides to play role reversal. For decades, they were in charge, and they aren’t about to quit now. But if you persist playing parent, mom or dad may begin playing teenager. If you have your own teens in the house, you know what that means; you tell them what to do, they do the opposite. If you’re too heavy-handed with your idea for them to move to an assisted living facility, they are likely to resist. No one wants to be pushed into life-altering decisions.

Instead

Make the suggestion, offer them some information, and let them come to a decision in their own time.

2. Make Demands.

Similarly, making demands about which facility dad moves to or when he make the move is an easy way to get a big, fat “no” from him. This is likely an emotional time for him; moving to assisted living is a sign of losing independence, even if his condition has already limited that.

Instead

You may think you’ve found the perfect place for him, but he must make that choice for himself, one that best fits his personality and hopes for his senior years. Give him options, and time to adjust to the idea, unless providing day-to-day care for him has already become an emergency.

3. Forget Your Language.

We’re not talking about four-letter words, but that might be a good idea, too. Rather, calling senior living communities “facilities,” which the industry often does, unfortunately, is an easy way to conjure images of hospitals, and who wants that?

Instead

Eliminate any verbiage that makes assisted living sound too institutional. Focus on the ways they can personalize their apartment or room, bringing some of their favorite belongings with them, and on the luxury of not having to cooking and clean for herself, among other chores.

4. Remind Them of Their Losses.

Mom and dad are all too acutely aware of the activities they can no longer perform. They probably gave up dancing and playing ball a long time ago. Maybe now mom is struggling to walk independently and dad is having trouble showering on his own. They both need help remembering when to take their medication. That they can no longer handle so many tasks that they previously executed with ease — that they remember. Constantly remind them that these are the reasons they should move to an assisted living facility. They get it, and it’s not easy to accept. They may stop taking your calls.

Instead

Focus on what assisted living can offer instead of what aging is taking away. Go easy on them.

5. Forget to Ask Them What They Want.

When it’s time to consider assisted living, there’s a lot of focus on needs. What services do they need? What medical care do they need? But what about mom’s wants? Her desires? Her hopes? Yeah, she still has ‘em. Maybe there’s a particular aesthetic she’s seeking, a certain type of environment. Perhaps she’d like to try a new activity or pursue a new interest. But if you try making all the decisions without her, you’ll never know — and she’ll never move.

Instead

Just ask. You never know until you do.

6. Leave Them Out of the Decision-Making Process.

Run off and do all the research on your own. After all, you know best, right? You may think you’re helping, but mom and dad may feel like you’re going behind their back, and they won’t be ignored.

Instead

Ask them to sit at the computer with you while you research communities together. And once you’ve narrowed the options, bring them with you on tours.

7. Don’t Explain the Different Levels of Care. 

Mom and dad may be concerned that people will be in their business all the time. They imagine nurses and caretakers constantly interrupting them, telling them what to do. So if you want them to dismiss the idea entirely, don’t mention the different levels of care that facilities provide.

Instead

Explain that they’ll only receive the degree of care they actually need. Those tasks that they can perform on their own, they will.

Learn more about assisted living by reading our free guide: The Definitive Guide to Assisted Living Facilities.