--- title: Parenting the Parent description: While the signs of needing help might seem crystal clear, aging parents can be stubborn, especially if they’re resistant to you “parenting the parent”. 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Now imagine having to ask for help or accept help with tasks that once seemed simple; with things that once seemed easy to do. If you’ve ever broken a leg or suffered an injury that required you to have help from others, you likely experienced the mix of emotions that come with being grateful for assistance from others yet being frustrated you even needed help at all. While the signs of needing help might seem crystal clear, people can be stubborn, especially if a parent is insecure with a "role reversal" that’s happening as you now assume the role of “parenting the parent”. Supporting a parent as they age requires patience, open communication and a mutual respect for each other. Here’s a closer look at the challenges associated with ‘parenting the parent’ and how to handle them.   ## **Don’t Assume Your Parent Knows Why You Are Helping Them** ### **Challenge: My Mom Downplays the Help I Give Her or Doesn’t Tell Me She Needs Help** While you might feel like your intentions are crystal clear, there is no replacement for open communication with a parent. When SUNY Albany researchers asked a woman if her son does anything to make it easier for her to take care of herself, she responded, *“Well, he tries … this morning, he vacuumed for me.”* When the researchers asked if he does anything to help her with her arthritis, she responded: *“No. I don’t take care of my arthritis. I just take the pill when my back hurts, when I overwork. There’s not anything he can do to help me with that.”* In the study, published in *Research on Aging*, researchers believe that the son vacuumed in an attempt to help his mother’s arthritis, but she didn’t interpret it that way. Why is open communication so important? Another way a parent may deal with these ambivalent feelings is withholding information from children who would otherwise worry endlessly or try to prevent a parent from doing something that makes them feel independent. For example, another mother who participated in the SUNY Albany research study said her son calls her every evening to check in and see what she has eaten for dinner: *“Sometimes I lie to him saying, ‘I had a great supper,’ but I had maybe only toast and tea.”* ### **Potential Solution** Address the problem but offer potential solutions. For example, “Mom, I know your arthritis has been bothering you lately. Would it be more helpful if I vacuumed the living room or loaded the dishwasher for you?” Or, “Mom, I’ve noticed you haven’t been eating as much lately. I wondered if I could take you out for dinner, or if you’d prefer, I can bring you dinner tomorrow for us to enjoy together?” This simple acknowledgement allows your parent to feel safe to communicate their thoughts about the concern you have while allowing them to be a part of the solution. ## **Don’t Be Disappointed That Your Parent Confides in Others** ### **Challenge: My Mom Talks to Others Rather Than Me About Her Struggles** No one likes to be scolded. Especially adults. If your parent is feeling like transparency will come at the expense of a lecture, they’re likely to confide in others. Sometimes this happens simply because of embarrassment or trying to maintain the respected parental image in your eyes. *“I had a friend that’s about five to six years older than I am,”* said one participant. *“We talk to each other almost every day, and we commiserate about various things. … Yeah, if something bothers me sometimes, I’m certainly not going to call my daughter.”* ### **Potential Solution** Avoid using language that will put your parent on the defensive. For example, rather than saying, “Mom you really shouldn’t vacuum under the furniture if it hurts your back” try offering potential solutions like, “Do you want to look for vacuums with longer extensions this weekend or would you like me to help you with the vacuuming?” Take the opportunity to encourage your parent to talk to you more by saying things like, “Mom, you know you can tell me anything, right? I love you very much and don’t want you to think I’m ever too busy to hear about your day.” ## **Don’t Get Frustrated if Your Parent Ignores or Resists Your Advice** ### Challenge: You were likely raised to respect your parent’s opinion, but what happens when they refuse to listen to us? One way some parents cope with their adult children’s overprotectiveness is to simply ignore it. When asked by researchers what one father would do if his kids ever told him what to do, he replied: *“I would ignore it. I would be, ‘Thank you,’ and I do what I want to do.”* Another respondent said, *“I just have to roll my eyes and forget about it.”* Take for example Caroline Herndon and her husband, Clyde who retired and moved to the Washington Coast. About a decade ago, Clyde’s health started deteriorating, and Caroline became his caregiver. The last time he fell, Clyde did not return to the beach house after the hospital stay. Instead, he spent about three months at a skilled nursing facility. The Herndons’ children were met with mixed emotions from their parents as they approached the conversation about moving out of their home. *“When that time was up, my children said, ‘You and Dad can’t move back to the house. It’s not feasible for Dad,’”* Caroline recalls. *“Well, I knew that. I knew because of what I was going through. It was hard at first, but I understood, and so did my husband. He said, ‘If I fall again, something has to change.’ We were both in accordance with the children about moving.”* While to some, it might have seemed like an easy decision not to move back home after a three month stay in a skilled nursing facility, for the Herndon’s they weren’t quite ready to make the move and preferred to wait it out. ### **Potential Solution** Be sure to treat your parent like an adult. Dealing with a stubborn parent is not the same thing as dealing with a stubborn child, which may be the most recent example you have to refer to. You may be in a position to have to pick and choose your battles”. Is your concern that your mom isn’t eating enough fruits and vegetables, or is it more severe (like recurrent falls at home)? If your concerns stem from safety concerns, be sure you fully understand your parent’s hesitations or fears to the advice you are giving them. Make them a part of the process by identifying different solutions and allowing them to make the final decision.   While there’s no handbook, so to speak, on parenting the parent, there are others who have been through the same challenges you may be experiencing with a parent. Download our eBook *What Older Parents Really Want from Their Adult Children* for more tips and tricks on navigating conversations like these with an aging parent. 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